Trying to Hold
It All Together

For a long time, I believed that if I worked hard, kept my commitments, and gave my family everything I could, we would be okay. I understood that marriage and raising a child required sacrifice, and I was willing to make it. I worked to provide for my family and tried to carry my responsibilities at home as seriously as I carried them at work. I wanted our home to be stable, and I believed that my effort could help make it that way.

Over time, however, I began to realize that we were not always carrying those responsibilities together. There were things happening in our home that concerned me, and there were questions about my marriage and family life that I could not simply push aside. I did not know everything that was happening, and I do not want to tell the story as though I did. I only knew that something had changed and that I could feel the uncertainty growing.

As a father, some of the hardest moments involved situations concerning my child that I could not always see or control, especially when I was away working. I wanted to provide for my child, but I also wanted to be present and know that my child was being cared for with patience, love, and consistency. The more uncertain things became, the more I felt the weight of trying to protect a family whose circumstances were becoming difficult for me to understand.

Special Love became meaningful to me during this season because it reminded me that there was a kind of love and grace I could not create through effort alone. I wanted to believe that commitment could solve every problem, but I was beginning to learn that love does not give one person control over another person's choices. I could choose how I loved my family, how I worked, and how I responded, but I could not make every decision for everyone else.

That realization was difficult because my instinct was always to fix what was broken. If there was a problem, I wanted to find the answer. If there was tension, I wanted to restore peace. If something was falling apart, I wanted to hold it together. I did not yet understand that sometimes the hardest thing is admitting that your effort has reached its limit.

There came a point when simply being strong was no longer enough. I was still working, still providing, still showing up, and still trying to believe there was a way forward, but inside I was becoming tired. Hold Me While I Cry met me in that place. It reminded me that I did not have to pretend before God that I had everything under control.

I was still fighting for what I loved, but I was beginning to understand that fighting for something and controlling its outcome are not the same thing. That distinction would become important as the circumstances around my family continued to change. I did not know what was coming next. I only knew that the life I had worked so hard to hold together was no longer something I could hold by myself.

I was still trying to hold everything together.

I did not yet understand that God was preparing to teach me that I could not hold it together alone.